The War Effort in a Nutshell

When I switched to basic cable, I knew I'd miss a lot of things.  Non-stop Law and Order, NY1 (God I miss, you, Pat Kiernan) and Comedy Central, especially.  Even though in recent years, it has paled in comparison to the Comedy Central I discovered in 8th grade, when my parents got us basic cable. Back then, basic cable actually MEANT something ::waves cane angrily::  I could tune in and watch hours and hours of stand-up, marathons of "Whose Line is it, Anyway?", and imported Canadian gems like the "Kids in the Hall."  Now, the "basic" in "basic cable" is a shortening of "Basically, you're screwed when it comes to entertainment."   I really miss Comedy Central.

But I've got Fox News, so at least there's still something to laugh at.

Like the war on men.

My first reaction:

Followed by:

"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!" ::points finger at screen:: "War on..??. HAAHAHAHAHAHA!"  ::slaps knee, gasps for air, tries to wipe spitwater off of monitor::

Yeah.  (I tried to get a nice youtube vid of a quick spit-take, but the best I could do was this low quality Golden Girls' clip.  Sophia's reaction at 17 seconds is how I reacted to this, and to a lot of things.  Internally.)

Point of clarification - Now, I wasn't actually watching Fox.  The last time I watched Fox was on election night with Kris and Dan and we would flip over for a chuckle, linger a bit too long, start to rock back and forth like rhesus monkeys, and then run back to the soothing voice of Rachel Maddow.  Checking in on Fox those few times was like immersion therapy when the returns weren't looking so good for Obama, and then schadenfreude when they were.  So I wasn't watching Fox in this particular instance, I just needed a nice little segue, and I'm pissed off at cablevision all the time, so that's why the intro paragraph above is what it is.  

I actually came across the link to the War on Men (god, so stupid) on several of the feminist-pinko-man-hating-ladyblogs I've got bookmarked on Google Reader.  So I clicked on it, and it was so hilarious, I had to screencap it.

Cold shoulder.  Good strategy, there, soldier.  Sun Tzu got nothin' on you. 

I mean, I could be forgiven for thinking the whole thing is some colossal joke, right?  Look at this page.  I mean, really LOOK AT IT.  First off, the graphic is priceless.  Huffy woman (clearly a huff-po reader) shuns everyman-in-button-down, and he is forced to break through the fourth wall for some hint of human connection, such is his abandonment.  The audience will clearly connect with him and relate to his hitchhiker pose, suggesting, "Women, AMIRITE?"  Where are the UN sanctions?  Clearly this woman is waging a war.

Forget about the main graphic for a second.  Take a break from buying Cyber Monday half-price War Bonds (do your part for the war effort later.  I'm planting a Victory Garden!).  Thanksgiving has taught us that the main course isn't all there is to feast on, because side dishes are decidedly satisfying.  So check out the side dish stories.  Go on...

Yes, that says "Nude Man evades police atop horse statue." With a picture!  Underneath an ad for Moby Dick.   Above a video of war hero John McCain.  This layout is so male-themed, it's about to kill a stag with its bare hands, cook it over an outdoor fire it built, and piss out the flames.  It's so manly, I want to wage war on it.  

Women, amirite?  All wanting equal pay and shit.  Expecting bodily sovereignty.  Getting annoyed when you treat them like a monolithic hive of man-hating ladybees that all think the same way.  (Must...not..make..pun...about drones...and warfare...and bees...)

This has to be a joke, right?  This is practically ripped from the Onion.  

These are actual sentences in the article.  Actual sentences by author Suzanne Venker.  Who is not an onion columnist.

"In a nutshell, women are angry."

Yeah, I think men would also be angry if forced into a nutshell.  I freak the fuck out when I'm in a nutshell.   In a nutshell, Rosie is a nutjob.

"Women aren't women anymore."

Like we ever were?  As Bridget Jones says, "Underneath our clothes, our bodies are completely covered in scales," so this hasn't exactly been a secret for quite sometime now.  

"Now the men have nowhere to go."

Because we've burnt their castles and taken their goats!  Because this is WAR!  Pillage, pillage, pillage!  (Can you tell I've been mainlining Game of Thrones?)

Angry, covered in scales, and burning shit down.
Forget Rosie the Riveter, this war has Daenerys the Dragon Mama.

Sigh.  Joke's over.  People actually think like this, and that's ... not funny.  Enough so that this women has an audience for her rhetoric in which she constantly throws other women under the bus.  Irony alert - would she have so much success as an author without the gains of feminism?  And way to get the definition and aim of the movement wrong.  Striving for equality doesn't mean taking things away from men, but that's exactly what  Venker wants men (and everyone) to think in her effort to kill feminism dead.  And who are these scaredy cat men she's talking to?  None of the dudes I know think like this. They aren't threatened by the idea of women doing the same crap they don't think twice about. 

I don't really see what's in it for her, though.  Perhaps she thinks if she makes herself out to be on their side, she'll be spared when all the threatened men inevitably revolt and take back...the gains we haven't made yet?   Sounds like she's the one pitting women against men in this fake game where only one gender can have...stuff.

Oh no, my cover's been blown.  I'd better report back to Feminist HQ and reveal this information leak.  I wanna know who's been talking to Venker.  

Someone's going in a nutshell for this.